When My Friends Aren't Supportive Like I am There for Them: Coping Strategies and Guidance
This phrase takes up free space in your head : 'My Friends Aren't There for Me.'
An avalanche of cuss words and justifications ensue. You have been here before and yet you still have been unable to get out of the way of the avalanche before it takes you over.
When it comes to this is you are the poster child of the complete opposite of the road less traveled.
You know shortcuts to this hurtful thought. In the recesses of your mind, you are aware of exactly how to make yourself feel - alone. abandoned. deserted. by them!
It feels true. It may even Be true...however you are with you so those feelings are not fact.
The fact is your feelings are hurt because it seems/ed so easy for them to not be there for you like you have always been there for them.
And you can't make it, make sense.
And you can't take back when you were there for them, so you can feel some kind of vindication aka power.
If you are honest this takes up more free space in your head than you would dare say outloud.
Which leaves you feeling a bunch of things...
When People Just Fall Away
People will move out of your life or shift in your life and it is ok to LET them.
Sometimes... YOU are 'people'.
We all deserve autonomy to make moves that suit our lives the best at that moment.
That is for a different post.
In this article, we will unpack what to do with your emotions when you are the one who is 'left' behind.
It isn't always personal.
Some will stay for the duration of your life. A reason, a season or for a lifetime and sometimes they weave in and out. Life is a string of seasons.
A person entered your life because you were at a certain level or set of circumstances in your life.
Life is about experiences and change, so when you change - often so do the people around you.
Not everyone is comfortable to make every change that you will make and them these changes you make aren't necessary for them in their lives.
If they aren’t willing to change in the new ways that you have decided are important and vital to you - enter crossroads or distance.
For example : You and your friend liked ferris wheels and now you want to jump from a plane, but your friend is cool with (just) the ferris wheel.
Now if y'all are cool with these differences, you get to continue to enjoy the level of friendship that you have. But, what I am talking about is when the differences begin to feel like an ocean.
Usually in this scenario, it is too painful to speak the words, so it goes unspoken, which cuts even deeper and you both drift apart.
Here's The Thing...
You don’t have to negate the fact that you ever knew them and loved them deeply.
If you skip this step it will hurt your feelings (more) and make you feel as if you have done something wrong.
You have not.
You may feel weird or out of sorts because of their behavior, but remember, this is not about how it looks to ANYone else.
Power Leak: Wanting, Yearning And Chasing Another Person For Their Approval
Enjoy the moments, keep them as they will help you trust yourself when someone new comes into your life.
If you regret your decisions, then you may distrust your emotions of trying again.
This is for ANY relationship: friendship or romantic.
Striving for a bigger juicier life means that not everyone can go with you.
You may be spared, especially if they can’t be joyful and truly happy for you.
This is why it is so important to practice being your own best friend.
No one else is going to be as excited about your life besides you and they shouldn’t be. After all, they have their own lives to look after.
This isn't 'personal' AND you shouldn’t take offense either. (I mean you could, but what is the point?)
If there is no energy coming from you about your life, then how in the world can someone else fill your shoes AND their own?! This is an impossible and burdensome expectation.
Expecting anyone to care for you more than you DO is unrealistic and will leave you disappointed.
EveryTIME! This is a guarantee.
Accept that you miss [fill in the blank about what you miss about them].
Acceptance is the key to the power you perceive that you lost. It is willingness to tell yourself the truth as it is in the moment.
Even if in this truth, it doesn't remove the negative emotion or make them magically return things back to 'normal'.
It also, allows the dust to settle and not allow your shadow side to overtake you.
Life Is NOT The Jerry McGuire Movie
‘You complete me’ is fiction.
Do Your work and be responsible for your life.
Please and thank you!
You achieve something you have always wanted or something wonderful happens to you.
Of course, you want to share it with those closest to you.
So you do. Only it is anti-climatic, like a flat soda. They sucked all the joy out of the ‘thing’. You regret ever telling them.
You had a thought, you have built feelings around it, you gestated it, you birthed it and now you must nurture it. Therefore, no one knows this thing better than you.
It’s tricky though, isn’t it? You want your party AND your cake. And you should want these things.
You can still have it (yes to celebrating your wins, please do this), just make sure it is an unconditional party.
One that, no matter what happens or who attends, you will still have a good time.
Fill your own cup and celebrate your own wins as if there are hundreds of you (a la Mr. Smiths in the Matrix).
For today consider:
- Am I happy with my new decision or opportunity?
- Do I respect where I am headed?
- If I stopped doing this because he/she isn’t happy about the change, am I still happy?
- Can I allow them to feel however they feel and still do me?
You can jump on the justification train of how you want to be treated and celebrated and what you would do if the shoe were on the other foot, but those are hypotheticals (and justification trains lose their brakes).
Be a Party of One If Need Be
What is true is you have this opportunity to do something great or be more AND you should step forward and have it. Celebrate and be happy for yourself.
Someone 'may' fall away, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't GO.
By all means, experience ALL that your life has to offer you.
It may be that they are unwilling or unable for whatever their reasons to join you.
It doesn't mean that you won't feel disappointed, anger, hurt or be downright weepy - but you move forward because your life is calling you to do so.
The trap is many people don't answer their life's call because they wanted someone in their lives to react or do the thing with them. And now they are stuck because of lost momentum.
Don't let this be you.
Accept and mourn those who you wish were there but fully accept it, so that when new friends come, your heart won't be closed off.
And so that you are not in gratitude for what you do have in your life.
And you will have space for grace and love in your heart, for yourself, your life and others.
Wish them well on their journey as you continue on yours.
Life is too short to hold onto negativity or resentment.
Focus on keeping your heart open and for maintaining being whole and enough for you.
Fonda shares: 'When I was a massage therapist, I noticed the common thread of physical pain that people expressed. It inspired me to pull on the 'why' of pain: No matter what walk of life, the disconnect (pain) is basically the same.
People are fearful that the love (they are seeking in all areas of their lives), they aren't worthy of it.
The fact IS unless and until you accept yourself, to remember your worthiness and love yourself in plain sight - no one else's love can full you up. This is the Wholeness journey + the cycle of pain can cease.'
Fonda Clayton Smith is the founder of Wholeness Lab, a community based platform for those who are ready to own their sovereignty and embody their Sacred Wholeness.
She helps women recognize that splitting themselves into pieces and parts of themselves is disempowering and will always have them looking outside of the self for validation.
Fonda is a Certified Life Coach, Polarity Therapist, Licensed Massage Therapist, published author, podcaster and Mother of Personal Freedom.
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