Embrace Your Worth and Create Your Path to Self Validation
Photo by Ammar Sabaa on Unsplash
The Courage to Validate Yourself
Self Validation is the path to creating the freedom you desire.
Daring to validate yourself in plain sight is risky business.
‘You mean to tell me that you can honor yourself and your parts without bashing yourself?’
Imma need you to be more self-effacing in order for me to be more comfortable around you.
What kind of freak are you? You must be some kind of bitch, conceited and sort of a pariah.
(please note sarcasm has been inserted for embellishment - but there may have been moments where this lives rent free in your head or you swear some part of this is implied from another)
Nobody wants to be labeled these things or have any association with them, you have a reputation to protect.
The Cost of External Validation
What if I were to tell you that you can and should validate yourself because it sets the tone on how others will treat you.
What if I told you that, if you were no longer obsessed with what you aren’t and what you don’t have, you would have more free time, more money and even more peace?
Industries that are set up to control your dollars would have
you believe them and NOT to listen to your own voice, because then you would be able to see through the mile long crap they have been feeding you.
You have been told that you are inferior, unworthy, not enough and definitely unsafe merely because you were born female.
Let’s take a peek at the medical field: you have to see a general practitioner before you can get to see a ‘specialist’ aka a gynecologist. It is the extra jumping through hoops and dollars for me. Then you may get a handful of minutes with the doctor who will usually tell you what the ‘problem’ is.
Why is it that your body is deemed problematic? Rarity: an open dialogue of what it is like to live in your body with a medical professional to assist you on your health journey.
(though this is not the easiest to find - DO NOT SETTLE UNTIL YOU HAVE THIS!!!)
You can insert just about any industry in this example as it pertains to being human : beauty, fitness, fashion, books, food.
Am I saying that there isn’t room for improvement or that you should not strive for more or better? No, I am not.
I am asking you to take your emotional temperature before you reach for anything to improve your life.
Dispel and examine the myths that you/me have been spoon fed and on some level are believed by you and play out in your life.
When you dare not to… you will forever be the dog chasing its tail. READ : out of breath, dizzy and confused.
Breaking Free from Societal Expectations
Anything that goes unchallenged becomes unconscious programming, this ‘thing’ perpetuates and festers.
It grows legs and must constantly be fed to sustain its existence.
It becomes a part of your identity, the ego.
If someone compliments you, you are supposed to be humbled, shocked that someone observed your ‘beauty’, that you had no idea about said beauty and now you are externally grateful for them noticing.
This is coy and a bit co-dependent.
The truth is it feels great for someone to take a moment to make you feel special. This is an awesome thing! And courage on their part, let’s also note that.
You clothe this body, bathe this body, experience the entire world through the lens of this body…
You probably pick this body apart on more occasions than you care to admit. This is accepted practice - this is the poison that must be challenged in order stop the distraction.
The beauty and diet industries need you feel like there is a void so that they will make more money from you and have a customer for life.
The Myth of Beauty and Worth
If it is true that you can find fault, isn’t it also true that you can find your beauty, even seek it out. And Celebrate it?
The celebration doesn’t have to be loud or boisterous. It can simply look and feel like acceptance of you.
When you occupy the space within yourself that you are ok with you just as you are (in your meantime - you are always in your NOW - the meantime), there is a quietness inside you.
It is the peace that everyone is desperately searching for. You can’t find it outside. Outside : will always leave you wanting, needing and craving another hit of the validation pipe.
The take-away is this : don’t need a compliment that may never come, notice and celebrate yourSELF and if a compliment happens be gracious.
Reclaiming Your Body Narrative
We all observe beauty, we just aren’t supposed to notice the beauty that is in the reflection in the mirror. THIS is not accepted practice. It is deemed conceited and non virtuous.
Feeling and acting confident and beautiful is taboo but I ask, isn’t this backwards? To be at peace in your body, whatever your shape, size, color or age is something to be celebrated.
Nothing more wonderful than a woman not at war with herself.
Do not be dishonest or make yourself ‘small’ in order to make someone feel comfortable.
At the same time, don't use your confidence as a weapon of superiority.
Beauty is relative and in this example, the goal is for you to feel comfortable - dare I say ‘yummy’ in your physical body.
The Power of Self Compassion
You don’t have to validate OR compare yourself to others.
This breeds jealousy, separateness and shame. It is THE LIE in plain sight.
When these lower vibrations take over, there is little room for you to shine, spread your wings and be free.
You are whole and complete.
You are worthy of your own attention.
You can NOT require another to pay more attention to you than you are paying to yourself.
Paying attention means to take care of how you talk to yourself, how you feel about yourself and how you treat yourself.
The Ripple Effect of Self Validation
Why all of this? Why is this important?
Feeling good (just because) gets you more of the same.
The reverse is true and society only celebrates that part.
The former is an aloof fantasy, never to be obtained without a jar of magic potion.
Truth: when you observe someone who is comfortable being them, it gives you the space to look past your 'flaws' and trust YOURself. Your life, your breath, your existence.
Take a moment to think about someone you feel has beauty. The beauty you wished you had… fill in the blank. Take it in.
Now, recognize the ability to see their beauty means that this beauty is within YOU. Please take that in.
If you allow this to grow within yourself, the less you judge yourself and the less room others have to judge you.
Surprisingly, compassion grows inside of you for yourself and everyone else.
You can see and appreciate another’s beauty without deducting anything from yourself.
You begin to see and celebrate all the little things and feel gratitude for all of it. Life gets yummy.
The Rebellion of Self Love
When you choose to say yes to yourself, it is like drinking from a constant stream of love vs awaiting a bus in Suburbia.
Here is the thing: when another’s words are NEEDED to big yourself up, the opposite is of that also comes into play - not the fun kind.
Their ugly words will annihilate you, trigger you and make you feel like their words do.
This is a recipe for disaster. This route never feels solid or grounded.
I understand that what I am proposing is rebellious, but it works.
Being a rebel for your own cause is a case worth being a part of - the payoff is massive!
Body Shaming is still a thing - size discrimination is real.
My body type is over sexualized and celebrated especially when the packaging isn’t a Black body - I am looking at you Kim K.
All of it is bullshit anyway.
This body type is the thing one day and literally out of ‘fashion’ the next. As if you can trade your Earthsuit like a deck of cards.
When I was coming of age, there were a few in the public eye but usually only one at a time and even then not mainstream.
Thankfully, this is changing.
When I was a NYC fashion forecaster, I wore what was ‘in fashion’ at the office but the reaction to my body was polarizing.
On the NY streets, there were things said to me that should never be repeated and no one should ever have to hear.
I had to go inside to decide how I felt about my body. To be comfortable in spite of what was said, how people reacted to it, the looks AND the images that didn't represent me.
I decided my curves are marvelous, melodic and magickal, because they are mine and I am here. I am all woman.
THIS is all that matters, what I think. What I decide. #SelfValidation
Claim Your Worthiness
What will you judge less about yourself today?
What will you self validate? and celebrate / accept?
Go to my Substack + share your declaration.
Fonda shares: 'When I was a massage therapist, I noticed the common thread of physical pain that people expressed. It inspired me to pull on the 'why' of pain: No matter what walk of life, the disconnect (pain) is basically the same.
People are fearful that the love (they are seeking in all areas of their lives), they aren't worthy of it.
The fact IS unless and until you accept yourself, to remember your worthiness and love yourself in plain sight - no one else's love can full you up. This is the Wholeness journey + the cycle of pain can cease.'
Fonda Clayton Smith is the founder of Wholeness Lab, a community based platform for those who are ready to own their sovereignty and embody their Sacred Wholeness.
She helps women recognize that splitting themselves into pieces and parts of themselves is disempowering and will always have them looking outside of the self for validation.
Fonda is a Certified Life Coach, Polarity Therapist, Licensed Massage Therapist, published author, podcaster and Mother of Personal Freedom.
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